I'm in my mind a lot. I live there. (A tribute to Charlie Kauffman)

Author: Suprabhath Kalahasti
Meetup – Theme/Number/Host: Stream of Consciousness/#074/Maia

“I’m in my mind a lot. I live there.” – Charlie Kauffman

EXT: Some godforsaken place, where people pay to laugh. This is the place where laughter is served as a medicine, at the expense of the stand-up comedian’s humility. Funny fact, stand-up comedians do enjoy humiliation. It’s a barter system, where people laugh at your embarrassments and sorrows.

Time: T-15 mins and its ShowTime

15 minutes and you are next Mr. Kiran. You better bring your A game or else it will be brutal.

What does she mean “A game”? I am a beginner for god’s sakes. Of course it won’t be my A game. I know that for a fact. I’ll probably bring my Z game – that too sub level 4 in the Z category. And please don’t assume that Z is again another top level category. There are these people who say, screw it. I want to give the alphabet A, the least weightage. I just hope that the audience is not divided on their preferences when it comes to categorising the products. Let’s just assume that A is the highest level and Z the lowest. However, I wish there were few more levels below Z………..I think it’s time for the English language to come up with new alphabets. Somehow at this very moment I want more alphabets. 26 absolutely doesn’t work for me. I can’t come up with words for what I am going through right now. What was I even thinking? Kiran, you think you are funny, but the sad fact is people don’t find you funny. Whenever you talk, people think of you as a kid who is talking dumb-shit. They look at you with pity. And here you are to prove the world that they are wrong. Out of 100 people, 99 think you are not funny. And at this very moment, the organiser wants my A game.  Right now, my nemesis, stage fright is having a blast. I have been suppressing him for quite a long time and by the looks of it he’s going to have a blast today. God, I am sweating. Of all the words in the English language why did she utter the word “Brutal”? I hope that I did not misread the event’s name. What if the event’s about “Roasting people for fun”? On a side note, I actually think that’s something I can tolerate. Getting roasted, is something which I undergo on a daily basis. Roasting! That’s a good thought. What if I just chicken out and go have a really nice roasted dosa. Hmmm…….not a bad idea Kiran. I can easily bring my A game. Roasted Masala Dosa…….Think about it Kiran. Think about the pros and cons. One hand, you participate in the event, it will lead to humiliation 99.999% cos, 99.99% because nothing is 100% certain in life. The theorems and axioms of statistics state that. For example, the toothpaste ads we watch on TV, show that post using the toothpaste, out of the 10-15 germs, 1-2 still remain. That’s what it means. No product is 100% perfect. Maybe today is auspicious day where you prove Math wrong. This is that particular event to which the outcome is 100% certain. You will get humiliated 100% for sure. Your name will be written in the history books. You will be inducted into the hall of fame. But, can it trump the taste of Roasted Masala dosa. Like they say, think about the memories, not the calories. I am not even sure if it’s the right phrase.

T-0 mins.

Kiran, you are next.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer for the night Mr. Kiran. Give him a round of applause.

T+24 hrs.

A Buzzfeed article on Facebook reads.

“Stand-up comedian loses his shit. Ends up laughing at his own jokes.”

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