The Chaos of My Mind

Sometimes what you see isn’t all that is true.

1. You saw the summer sky and willed it to rain. Days and nights, you stared at a vast empty ceiling of order and willed it to shatter, for the soothing chaos to fall, to erupt.

2. Order always hurt you. When your mother placed beautiful china in perfect little angles and made swan napkins for your birthday, your step-father flung a bottle at the table. You will never forget the vision of your birthday cake covered in brandy. Instead you have a scar to go with it, where the glass hit your cheekbone.

3. When the rain erupted, it brought the thunder that could rattle bones and lightning so bright, you had to shield your eyes. The streets were chaos, the homes were chaos, the sky was chaos. Your heart, has been, chaos.

4. Your boyfriend complained of the mess you called your room. He offered to clean up. You didn’t know if he was talking about your room or your head. Now he was your ex.

5. The rebound you met downstairs at the pub, looked like an angel, and made love like one too. When he asked about your scar, you said it was a brandy bottle. He left a note to see someone for your alcohol addiction, and left before you woke up in the morning. You never saw him again.

6. Come winter, your loneliness became a pendant you wore around your neck and shamed yourself trying to build a false hope of satisfaction. You became the person in the supermarket, who walks straight to the medicine aisle. Patience, like brandy, wears out too quick. High became your relationship status.

7. You saw the leaves change from season to season. You wished you could fly away like them. When you sat curled up with your brandy, on lonely weekend nights, you wished you weren’t so fragile as china anymore. But truth be told, you just wished you weren’t your mom and dad anymore.

Sometimes there’s more to know.

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